I know that my posts have been getting fewer and farther between on this website and I think part of that is due to the fact that I am getting to the point where I am finding some healing, some closure, some help through all of the pain, depression and worthlessness I have felt surrounding my health and my life.
We all have baggage and crap from our lives that we carry into our adulthood and that we can blame on for why we are the way we are, but sometimes traumatic things happen that we try to deny and push back and pretend that they don’t matter when in reality, all of those years we are pretending they don’t matter they are just eating and festering away at our insides.
For years I denied to myself, and even to therapists, that I had never had any type of sexual abuse as a child when in actuality, I did when I was 10 years old by a family member. I never told anyone until about a year ago and in someways I feel that coming out with the truth has helped me personally to heal, but in other ways it has been worse for my family as a whole. But I know that I didn’t do anything wrong and regardless of how long ago it was, I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to act like I can be around this person without having panic attacks and having to take extra medication. I just got tired of pretending like everything was okay when it wasn’t and I couldn’t put others in jeopardy either.
Now before anyone has a coronary or takes what I’m about to say out of context, I DO FULLY BELIEVE THAT CFS & FIBROMYALGIA ARE PHYSICAL AND REAL DISEASES. But I feel that in my situation that the trauma from the abuse, the denial of the abuse for 30 years, and everything I did to try and not deal with the feelings of having to deal with the abuse (becoming a workaholic and all of the other coping mechanisms I used) have further deteriorated my health. I also feel that my emotional problems, the Major Depressive Disorder, I was recently diagnosed with was the culmination of everything coming crashing down and all of the emotions and everything I denied for so many years hitting me like a ton of bricks all at once.
Trying to deny all of those feelings and to push them aside for 30 years could not have been good for me physically and we all know it’s not good mentally either. It’s like a dam that finally bursts; the light that finally comes on.
The old saying that “everything happens for a reason” really seems to ring true for me. When my health totally deteriorated back in 2003 and I had to go on disability and quit working at that time for a long time, I thought my life was over. But now I am seeing that maybe that is what I needed because once I stopped pushing myself beyond exhaustion, once my body completely gave out and wouldn’t allow me to do anything, I couldn’t run away from my feelings anymore. I had to start dealing with things that I hadn’t dealt with in years. I had to start dealing with feelings, emotions, abuse and the results of all of those things because I could no longer escape in work. My body was too sick to work and I couldn’t run away from them anymore. My escape mechanism was gone.
So the healing began – slowly but surely – and it has been a long, slow process but I am getting there and I feel that my health has slowly but surely been improving. I have hiccups along the way, setbacks with my health and flares, but they seem to be coming further apart, I am looking and feeling better all of the time, and I think with the proper counseling now with revealing the truth, I can become whole.
CFS & Fibromyalgia will always be a part of my life – I have accepted that and I will continue to strive for balance and harmony so I don’t flare as often. But I think that by dealing with all of the emotional garbage from my life – finally dealing with the abuse and past – I can at least heal mentally and physically it will be beneficial.