The past few weeks have been extremely difficult for me physically and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of feeling miserable, it hasn’t worked. Have you ever given yourself a pep talk with your Fibromyalgia or CFS? I find myself always giving myself a little pep talk where I try to convince myself that I’m not feeling bad and that I don’t want to sleep.
The pain I have been experiencing all over my body has gotten worse and I know now that some of the pain in my legs is coming from the phlebitis. I do feel optimistic that the upcoming surgery will help alleviate that pain (keep your fingers crossed!).
The more years that go by that I am sick the more I find myself thinking about sleeping. My whole life and schedule revolves around me getting enough rest. I think about it all of the time and I can feel my body constantly craving sleep. There have been days where I have spent hours just trying to sleep because my body craves it so bad, yet sleep won’t come. I feel as though my life is passing me by as I lie on the couch or set in the recliner hoping and praying that I will get some relief through sleep because I feel so miserable.
When I’m at work, I’m constantly watching the clock figuring out how many more hours it will be until I can get home and lie down. When I’m thinking about what I have to do the next day, I am planning out my schedule in my mind so that I get everything done so I have enough time to try and nap. Everything in my life revolves around this constant need for sleep.
The neverending flares, the constant pain and the disrupted sleep have left me just a worn down version of who I once was and I would love to see a small resemblance of the women I was before all of this – or even the woman I was 10 years ago. My son and husband both suffer along with me because neither one has a whole mother or wife. They both have come to realize that they have had to come second to CFS & Fibromyalgia and it is as though they are jealous of them because the illnesses consume the time that I should be spending with them.
My son will see the depression commercials on television and he will say, “Is that what’s wrong with you, mommy? That looks like you!” I have to explain to him that what I have isn’t depression, it is an illness that makes me exhausted all of the time. I can see how he would think the two were the same, however. I do get depressed sometimes – especially during these periods where I have felt bad for so long.