Lack of sleep, and the hazy, uncontrollable, unrelenting exhaustion that zaps every bit of energy from my body – a CFS flare. It has taken over my body, mind and soul and I feel it in everything I try to do and it is in every thought in my head. It’s hard to explain to people but when a flare hits it is almost like becoming another person. When I am not in a flare, I am bubbly, happy, always smiling, positive, and have tons of goals and dreams that I am ready to shoot for.
When the ME/CFS flare hits, I become depressed, detached, lifeless. I have no drive or no desire to see anyone, talk to anyone, be around anyone – I just want to be alone. I don’t care about anything and the only thing my body begs for is to sleep. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to deal with the normal tasks of everyday life because everything is so overwhelming during a flare.
With ME/CFS, we are surviving on only a small amount of energy and that has to last. When that supply is gone, it’s gone – there isn’t anymore left. I’ve said it many times before – we have to plan our days so that we have enough energy to make it to the end of the day so that we can get done what we need to get done. If we have a flare, we’re screwed because guess what? There is now no energy reserve at all – there is nothing to take from. We are running on empty and because we don’t sleep, it takes so much longer to build our energy reserve back up.
That’s when the overwhelming feelings kick in because we still have responsibilities and things to do and our bodies are fighting us every step of the way. We break down because our illness has once again taken over our lives and we have no option but to give into it. There’s no use trying to fight and push against ME/CFS because it wins every single time. The disease always wins – no matter what.
I hate feeling like crap – like nothing. That’s what I feel like during a flare.