As you can tell, I haven’t been posting as often as I used to and part of that is because with the seasonal changes, I’ve been flaring and just getting through the day is about all I can handle. To be honest, the last thought on my mind lately has been getting on the computer to write anything. As exhausted as I am tonight though, I needed to sit down and write what I am feeling because it is the only way I will feel better emotionally. Last week was a really tough week for me. I was having a really bad flare, probably the worst one I’ve had in a long time, and to top it all off, I worked two days in a row, and it was also the week of my son’s birthday party. My work schedule was such that I only had to work Sunday and Monday so as bad as I felt, I was comforted in the fact that I would have the rest of the week to catch up and by the end of the week when I needed to finish the details for the party I would be rested up.
But as we all know, as much as we try to plan our days and schedule ourselves for rest, life happens, and no matter how hard we try, things don’t always work out the way we hope. I ended up not getting hardly any rest all week, with the exception of one day, and by the end of my work shift today, I felt like I was going to pass out I was so exhausted. Saturday was a long day since that was the official “party day” and we didn’t get home until after 11:30 p.m. Then we had to put everything away and it was after midnight before I laid down. I wasn’t able to sleep and I was awake until after 6 a.m. on Sunday morning. I woke up at about 9:15 a.m. when I heard my son come out of his bedroom. I didn’t fall back to sleep and I had to be at work by 4 p.m. I had another rough night last night and I overslept this morning which made me late for work.
Last week I had planned to not go to the gym due to the flare I was having because I was afraid of making myself worse and not being able to take care of my son’s birthday party. I knew that with as bad as I was feeling, the last thing I needed was to add one more task to my list. When I called to reschedule my training appointment at the gym, I made it for this Thursday. The trainer said, “I hope you make it in at the beginning of the week. That’s a long time between workouts.” I told her, “I have a birthday party Saturday, I work Sunday and I work Monday. I will probably need at least Tuesday to recover. I’ll be in as soon as I am physically able to.” I get so tired of always feeling like I have to justify why I can’t do what normal people can do. A lot of people can go to work and go and work out – I can’t do that. I have to do a little here and a little there. It gets so frustrating. I feel like I do a lot considering all of the problems I have but yet to other people, it’s still not enough. It’s never enough no matter what I do.
I try and work despite the fact of how sick I am, but it’s not full-time so I’m told it’s “not enough”. I try to work out when I am able but because I physically can’t get my heart rate up to the level that is considered a cardio workout, it’s “not enough”. I can only work out at the most twice a week so that’s “not enough” because it’s not what is considered the normal 3 – 5 times a week. I try my hardest to do the best for my family but I always feel like I am falling short and it is “not enough” because I get too exhausted too quick.
It feels like an impossible situation sometimes trying to fit in when I am so different from everyone around me. I feel like a freak most of the time and so alone.