Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just be lazy and to not give a crap about life – then having CFS & Fibromyalgia wouldn’t be so hard and confusing. I am living the life of a sick person but it’s not me, it’s not who I am inside and it’s not what I wanted my life to be. I am 41 years old and I should be on top of the world right now in my career and in life and here I sit, in my living room, staring at the television, trying to figure out how I can set goals, achieve them, and make something of myself without making myself bedridden in the process. Just that thought alone is enough stress to send a CFS patient to bed for the rest of the day.
I am a happy wife and mother but I am not happy with my OWN life. I want more for myself, I expect more for myself, and I deserve more for myself and the only people that truly get that are my other CFS type A, domineering, go-getters at heart like me! When I look back over my working years, I remember being happiest when I was striving to reach a goal and working towards promotions and breaking through boundaries. Those are the things that I strive for and have always lived for. I don’t know how to do that with CFS and Fibromyalgia.
I definitely can’t do that in the workforce any longer when I am only able to work 5 hours a week. I should be happy that I am able to get out and do that and yes, I am. But I have to admit that when I am working and I see a young manager walk by I will think to myself, “Hmm…I was doing YOUR job when you were still peeing in your diapers and now I can’t even work a regular shift. I’m a nobody here and that’s what I will always be.” No matter what I do, where I work, I’m not happy unless I am striving to move upward, forward, learn more, do better….that’s just how I am wired. And I don’t know how to change that. My husband keeps telling me that I have to change that thinking and believe me, I have tried over and over, but how do I change who I really am? This is ME. This is who I am but I can’t be that person because my body won’t let me.
After I hit my last big career high and low all within one year of each other, I not only completely destroyed my health but I also destroyed all confidence in myself and in my ability to take the risk to try again. I am now at that place where I want to do so many things, want to accomplish so many things, but I’m afraid to attempt them because I’m afraid that as soon as I start to get anywhere, I’ll have a flare and doom will strike again. It is a repeated cycle that I have lived over and over the last 20 years and I guess the last failure was just too much to take.
Some women live to be wives and mothers and that is what defines them. For me I have always known that I would need more for myself than that and I do. I just don’t know how to find it, accomplish it, and sustain it all while being so chronically ill.