Please welcome Abigail Steidley, owner of The Healthy Life, LLC Life Coaching Services and blogger of The Vagina Dialogues as guest blogger for yet another week!
I had to do something terribly annoying last night. Im sure youll all understand. I had to look my husband in the eyes and say the dreaded two words: Youre right. He was just in heaven, smiling and nodding and looking quite smug. Argh! The truth is, though, that he WAS right, and he deserved the credit.
He has always told me that I do things to the extreme, and Ive always just brushed him off with a laugh. He will lean in close to me and say, slowly, mo-der-a-tion! And then I roll my eyes and totally ignore him. Well, if youve been reading my last two blog posts, you already know that hes right, and that Ive been back in school, learning the lesson of moderation and also the lesson of motivation. Driven by my perfectionism, I recently drove my body right into a state of disrepair (though luckily not as much as before – I may be a slow learner, but I do learn something, at least!).
So, though my husband has been right all along, the old adage stands true – its really hard to learn something without experiencing it fully yourself. Experience IS the best teacher, and the intrinsic knowledge I now hold is very clear. I get it. (Though I imagine Ill learn more, on a deeper level, again and again and again.)
I pulled out a stack of books last night, reviewing some of my old resources that I havent read in a while. While I would normally spread them all out and kind of read a paragraph here, a paragraph there, this time I decided to use moderation. Instead of trying to read many books at once, I picked up just one book and focused on it. (I know – revolutionary!) The book I picked up is called Tired of Being Tired, by Dr. Jesse Lynn Hanley. Its an old friend of mine, but I hadnt re-read it in years.
I was astounded to discover that Id FORGOTTEN most of the important stuff in that book! Apparently my steel-trap memory had failed me! Upon reading the first few chapters again, I felt like purchasing several thousand copies of the book, wrapping them up in festive paper, and sending them to each and every one of you. Unfortunately, I decided it would be more cost effective to just write about it here. But if I could give you a copy, I really would.
Now, before I expound on the incredibly helpful knowledge I re-discovered in the book, let me give you my disclaimer. Heres the thing: I read a LOT of books. I mean, more than you can imagine, unless youre also a fanatic about books. What I dont do is treat each and every one of them as gospel. So when I talk about a book, like A Headache in the Pelvis (Wise), or The Mindbody Prescription (Sarno), Im sharing it because there are parts and pieces I found helpful. I have never found a book that I incorporated word for word into my life, because I am the expert on me, just like you are the expert on you. Sometimes general concepts or overall knowledge from a book is really all I need. Other times I do follow some of the specifics, but never all of them. I just wanted you all to know that, in case you thought I was 100% in anybodys camp. Im not.
A good example of that is the works of John Sarno, which I find helpful and very applicable in some ways. However, there are many things I disagree with and dont find helpful about his work, because I do think that psychology has taken leaps and bounds since Freud and incorporating that new knowledge is vital. I also feel like Sarno is too inclined to totally ignore the body rather than respect it, listen to it, and work WITH it. But thats really another blog post altogether.
Which brings me back to Tired of Being Tired. I cracked open the book and re-discovered my respect for doctors who are willing to study and connect the mind and the body. Dr. Hanley does a fantastic job of explaining the physiological results of emotional and mental stress. Im sharing with you here her checklist for perfectionism.
How to recognize if you are a perfectionist:
You will put any amount of energy into the details of a project, wanting everything to be just so.
You have many ambitious goals that you try to accomplish simultaneously.
You almost never finish everything you expect to accomplish in one day.
You do not feel a sense of satisfaction when you accomplish a goal, but rather you pick it apart for its flaws or you are already thinking of something else that needs to be done.
You never feel satisfied with yourself.
You are self-critical and unforgiving of your flaws.
You are compelled to work rather than do something fun.
Even when you are doing something that is supposed to be fun you turn it into a project/work.
You feel nervous taking time away from work, even if it is for family fun.
No matter what you do you feel that it is never enough.
You do not feel that you have high expectations of yourself or that you make unreasonable demands on yourself even though others tell you that you are too hard on yourself. (Pay attention to that one, everyone!)
Yikes. Guilty as charged! Youll be glad to know, though, that with Martha Becks tools, Ive already begun my work on releasing this perfection drive (Im getting deeper into it this time) and have been feeling MUCH better ever since. Im promoting myself right now to recovering perfectionist.
The moral of the story, here, is that whether or not you are feeling constant stress from perfectionism or from self-judgment, the result in your body can be catastrophic. Every time you worry, your body flips the switch and enters fight-or-flight mode. Up go the stress hormones, day in and day out. Until you dont have any more reserves, your body begins to lose its ability to deal with stress effectively, and you begin to feel sick. Often, your perfectionism or self-judgment, like mine, will drive you to behaviors that are unhealthy and out-of-balance. Even extreme, you might say. This exacerbates the cycle, breaking your body down more. Unfortunately, many of these activities (in my case, over-exercising, being ridiculously busy, and sleeping less) create bursts of adrenaline that are addicting. Ah, the feeling of being alert, ready for anything, and on the edge. Ive given it all up for a much more relaxing creativity, and I LOVE it. It is infinitely better.
Your particular hormone imbalance may come from this adrenal fatigue as well, and if it does, it is worth treating your body with care and attention, because your body is giving you a message. It would like you to figure out why you arent treating it kindly, and then start, NOW. If your hormone imbalance is a combination of years of stress plus peri-menopause or full menopause, then its even more vital to really care for your body.
I mention all of this today because there are scientific correlations between adrenal fatigue and illnesses such as interstitial cystitis, fibromyalgia, migraines, and many others. Its possible that you have not run across this knowledge, and if it might help you, then I feel sharing it is important. Modern medicine is just scratching the surface of the connection between the mind, how we treat our bodies, and our hormonal systems and much of this information, I believe, will become much more mainstream at some point in the future.
I highly recommend Tired of Being Tired, and Ill even share my other favorite book about hormones with you as well. Its called The Schwarzbein Principle: The Program, by endocrinologist Diana Schwarzbein. (I actually follow the plan from this book more than the other, but love the message in Tired of Being Tired.) Read them both, do your own research, and then dont forget to use the shackles on, shackles off check (described in the linked post) to know whats right for you. Be careful, though, of the siren song of adrenaline, which, if youve fallen into an addictive relationship with it, may make it harder to get an accurate reading. For instance, when I thought about running, I felt a compulsion to do so and really wanted to keep going. When I really let myself do the shackles test, I discovered that it truly felt shackles on and that walking felt shackles off. Your essential self always knows best.
Abigail Steidley
Life Coach
The Healthy Life, LLC
Paula,I am so sorry, to hear that you have fibromyalgia. I was dieongsad with fibro about 7 years ago, actually have had it for at least 12 years, and it is a long haul for sure. There is a huge amount of symptoms that go with fibro., and I seemed to have them all, at one time or another. Every time I went to the Dr., I would take my list of symptoms with me, and eventually ended up on a bunch of scripts, a lot of vitamins, and supplements. I was so tired of being sick and tired all the time, that I decided to start doing a lot of research. I started reading books, and reading everything on line that I could find. Fibro is an autoimmune disease, so I looked for things that would help build my immune system, what things break it down. Getting enough sleep is of course a big one, trying very hard to stay on a schedule helps. Even if you are not sleeping, getting quality rest helps too. Do not drink caffeine drinks, this can affect your sleep, and your muscles. Getting a really good mattress, so you can be comfortable, or soft padding that you can be comfortable in. I sleep on my sides, and always use a pillow between my legs, that seems to help. Light stretching helps, light exercise helps, but do not over do it. Eating properly helps, trying to stay away from fast foods, and foods with preservatives in them, try to stay away from white flour and sugar. A good fiber will help the IBS, you have to start it, and stay on it. Most people do not get enough fiber in their system, and that can cause lots of health problems, and can cause the dizziness. I have so much info. that I have found that helped me through this, but the research that I did came up with a lot of information that I had never heard of before, but made so much sense. The thing that builds your immune system is really good vitamins, and supplements, and of course good food. The things that break it down are chemicals. Chemicals are every where, in your fresh fruits and veg., and if they are imported the pesticides are even higher. I found that there are so many toxic chemicals in all of our home and personal products, and it really affects fibromyalgia. My home cleaners, like bath room cleaners, kitchen cleaners, all purpose cleaners, and air fresheners all had a lot of harmful chemicals in them. My laundry detergent, pre spot, bleach, and fabric softener were all very harmful. Personal care items for bath soaps, lotions, shampoo, hair conditioner, and my beauty products all had a bunch of chemicals in them. Many of these chemicals affect the central nervous system, and that is where fibro stems from. These chemicals get into our blood and cells, as well as our nervous system. They affect some people more than others, and come out in peoples health in many different ways, fibro being one. I have changed all of my home, and personal care products over to safer more natural products. Since doing these changes, my life is so much better. I am off all scripts for fibro. now, and feel 20 years younger. I would highly recommend it.
“What’s your biggest weakness?” You’ve probably heard that it’s no longer considered a wise move to respond to this common interview question by saying, “Well, I’m a bit of a perfectionist.”
Being organized and self-disciplined — once considered a desirable quality — has become somewhat of an insult, even a warning sign to employers.
But while it’s true that recent studies link maladaptive forms of perfectionism to higher rates of depression and anxiety, these studies show only the dark side of what happens when consciousness and control are taken to an extreme. There’s another side to the story. As it turns out, research suggests that there are different types of perfectionism, some of which can actually support success and can propel your career.
It’s important to dispel black-and-white misconceptions surrounding perfectionism before they squelch the ambition needed for strong, visionary leadership. Already I’m hearing more frequently from accomplished leaders (particularly women who face double-bind dilemmas) that they are increasingly afraid to hold themselves and others to high standards because they fear being labeled a rigid Type-A perfectionist who is difficult to work with.
Over-relying on any personality trait can go too far. Perfectionism is no different. Finding a happy middle ground is the best way to leverage the upsides of having high standards, while mitigating the negative effects it can have on your mental health, well-being, and relationships.
Putting your striving to positive use first requires understanding where you fall on the perfectionism spectrum, then applying it as a strength in healthier, more flexible ways.
Canadian clinical psychologists Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett have been studying the shades of gray within perfectionism for over two decades. Their research reveals that, as with most traits, there’s a spectrum.
Here are the three types of perfectionism explained by their Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale:
1. Socially prescribed perfectionists
Socially prescribed perfectionists are very self-critical. They feel immense pressure to be the best and worry others will reject them. Perceived external standards (which can come from family, workplace culture, society, etc.) can lead to anxiety and low confidence.
2. Other-oriented perfectionists
Perfectionists who are other-oriented — as in, they hold others to high standards and can be critical and judgmental — can leave destruction in their wake. It’s hard to build working relationships under these conditions, which is one reason this variety is so detrimental.
3. Self-oriented perfectionists
Self-oriented perfectionists are organized and conscientious. They set high standards for themselves in their lives and careers, but are able to go after their goals. High self-oriented perfectionism is generally associated with the most “adaptive” traits correlated with greater productivity and success, including resourcefulness and assertiveness. They show higher rates of positive emotion and motivation.
Many people who are perfectionists are fully aware of their tendencies, which is an important first step in evaluating where they fall on the spectrum. Some people may find that they are strictly one subtype, while others may discover that they have a little bit of each type in them.
Many people who are perfectionists are fully aware of their tendencies, which is an important first step in evaluating where they fall on the spectrum. Some people may find that they are strictly one subtype, while others may discover that they have a little bit of each type in them.
Regardless of subtype, most perfectionists have a moment when they realize that expecting the world from themselves (or others) is no longer working for them. Maybe they are feeling so burned out at work that they leave the office every day wanting to quit, or the idea of presenting a new idea during a meeting sends them spiraling into anxiety.