We have heard for years that CFS & Fibromyalgia comes from some sort of trauma we probably experienced in our childhoods or during our young adult lives. CFS & Fibromyalgia patients have refuted this for years and we pull out all kinds of scientific proof to show that there are biological and physical factors that cause these illnesses to develop. But is this true in EVERY case?
Before anyone goes off on me, I’m just pondering some things that I hadn’t really thought about before.Sunday at church I had an experience that started me thinking that maybe all of my issues stemmed from emotional trauma as a child.
Our pastor was preaching a sermon on physical healing and at the end, he invited people to come forward to be anointed with oil and to have a healing prayer said to them. I figured I might as well give it a shot. Lord knows I’ve tried practically everything man has to offer, why not reach for help from above? I was saved as a young girl in the church I grew up in, but I still question why didn’t I lean on God sooner? I’ve prayed for healing and for help, but I’ve relied more on man for a cure over the years than God.
As the preacher was saying the prayer, he asked me if there was a moment in time that I saw as he was praying and there was. Issues from my childhood came up while he was praying and things that I had been told, such as:
- You’re worthless
- You’ll never amount to anything
- You have no ambition
- You’re lazy
- I hate you
- I wish you were never born
The preacher believes this could be some of what is fueling my CFS, Fibromyalgia and IC Disease. My first reflex was go to on the defense and say, “No, this is a physical illness and being told those things has nothing to do with the way I am today”. But deep down I knew that there was some truth in what he was saying. Let me explain further…
I believe that I have always had some form of CFS possibly since childhood, or was just not healthy. I always needed more rest. Being told that I was worthless, had no ambition, was lazy and would never amount to anything led me to be an overachiever to prove otherwise. My quest to be perfect, fueled by my insecurities about what I repeatedly heard as a child and teenager, led me to be a workaholic.
After I became a workaholic, I ran my body to the ground, which led to the severe CFS, Fibromyalgia and IC Disease. So when I really think about it, things did start from an emotional trauma for me which caused the physical breakdown of my body.
Once I was unable to work at all, I did not have my job to throw myself into to fight off dealing with these issues from childhood. Now that I am unable to hold down a job, and can’t “forget” my issues by burying myself in my work, I am trying to deal with these issues now, over 20 years later.
I just told my husband the other day that I think I was actually better off when I was working. I believe I feel worse now that I’m not working than what I did before. But the real truth is I feel worse EMOTIONALLY now and that is not making my physical health any better. I’m trying to deal with all of these issues and it is taking an even bigger toll on me. There are days when I feel like a nervous breakdown is just one mental thought away and I’m scared for myself and my family.
My intellectual self KNOWS that I am not worthless, lazy, andunmotivated. But my heart feels differently. I spent hours last night in bed when I couldn’t sleep just praying that God will take the pain away and help me to have a normal life emotionally.
What are your thoughts? Can you go back and pinpoint your physical downfall with emotional trauma?