This week has been one of those weeks that could not end fast enough. I am still slowly recovering from my flare and the longer it takes me to get over it, the more the depression sets in. I put on a good front around people but when I am alone and at home, I feel as though my insides are ripping apart. To not fell well for so long and continuously, and to be able to do so little is extremely difficult for me and I find myself having to double up on the Prozac during these times.
I feel like I’m a broken person, just a shell of the woman I once was and even after all of these years I still grieve for that woman, for that time of my life where I felt like I could accomplish anything. Now I feel like everything I want to accomplish has a “what if” in front of it because of the CFS, Fibromyalgia and Interstitial Cystitis.
I am a confessed control freak and when you have chronic illnesses, you have anything but control and that has been one of the hardest lessons to learn during this journey. With CFS & Fibromyalgia, it doesn’t matter what we do, the flares keep coming. There isn’t any rhyme or reasoning sometimes to what will set our illnesses off and we have absolutely no control over our day to day activities.
I feel like I followed all the rules: I worked hard (still do work hard the hours I’m able to work); always paid my bills on time; busted my butt to save money; went the extra mile at work and for others; worked my way into management different times – and it all backfired on me. It’s a hard pill to swallow and when I have my flares and am not feeling well, like this week, I still have issues dealing with all of this.
Today the depression became even worse when I wanted to apply for a position at work and the manager of that department pretty much shot me down immediately because he just assumed that I would not be able to handle the stress of the job because of my health. He was very nice about it and said that he loves my personality and would love to have someone like me working in that department, but fears that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s like I’m not even given a chance. If he had doubts or worries about my abillities, he should have at least talked to the manager of my department – not just ASSUME that I can’t do the job. For the past 2 1/2 years, I’ve worked in the busiest, most stressful part of the store and I’m still there.
I felt degraded, like I was nothing. I started to tear up but I held strong when he was telling me this because I am just so tired of all of these roadblocks. It’s not fair to not give someone a chance, especially someone who WANTS to work, someone who WANTS to learn new things. When I told my husband he told me I should just go ahead and apply for the position anyway. Workplace discrimination for the disabled is common and I felt totally discriminated against today. It was a big blow to me, especially when I was so excited about possibly getting to learn something new at work.
This is the very reason why I do not tell anyone about my illnesses at work until I have been there for a while and have had a chance to prove myself. As soon as someone hears “disabled”, or finds out about all of my health problems, they make assumptions about what I can and can’t do, or that I’m lazy, or whatever other false assumptions people make about us.
I haven’t been this depressed in a long time and today just put me over the edge completely. It’s like everytime I keep trying to take two steps forward, I end up taking 5 steps back. I can’t win.